BECOMING GENUINE DAILY

"Double Dare"

"You call it madness, but I call it love."
--Don Byas

"If love is the answer could you rephrase the question?"
--Lily Tomlin

I rarely watch the Super Bowl for the game play; while I choose a team to cheer for victory, my focus is held by the advertisements. And I'm concluding this intrigue is filtered through my education (marketing) and the energy (money) companies put into understanding my mind, the hope I will release my dollar for the products they are placing in the marketplace. Oddly enough, Super Bowl ads focus on existing products, not new creations. Budweiser, Coca-Cola, Fed Ex and GMC remind consumers they have money to spend on humor, for this is the hallmark of clever ads. Pepsi succeeded this year with a song tribute for Diet Pepsi Max. Everyone in the commercial moved his or her head to a classic 1993 one hit wonder by Haddaway: "What is Love?" If you fail to understand the context of this ad, continue reading this meditation after you rent "A Night at the Roxbury" (1998), directed by John Fortenberry. When I start pondering this song, I wonder why the answer to the title is a repeated phrase in the chorus: "don't hurt me." Another tune regarding this idea comes to mind too: "Where is the Love?" by the Black Eyed Peas. In short, this song outlines the same idea; love is revealed when hurt is eliminated.

How much impact does this idea convey though? How much does it lack? True, love is visible when people stop bruising one another; however, it is only one turn of the prism. Love is deeply complex and requires a lifetime of understanding. Easter concluded this past weekend, the day numerous people acknowledge the rise of Jesus from death, the love one is willing to share for the sake of another. Jesus notes this principle in his teaching, putting it this way: good love is dying for your friends. It is rare to unearth stories on this idea, but they exist. I discovered a story this morning from the BBC News on Lance Corporal Matt Croucher, a Royal Marine who fell on a grenade to save the lives of his squad; joyously, he survived with only shock and a bloody nose. He is currently being considered for the Victoria Cross by the Ministry of Defence. It is rare to find one's self in this position, but if this teaching is expanded, can life be depleted for others without physical death? I'm always anxious before the procedure, but giving blood comes to mind. The need seems endless, but every drop counts. Organ donors are another example of this principle: giving oneself away for the sake of others.

The crux concerning this principle is unfortunate though. Distrust lives in generosity between people, the unacknowledged belief measures of goodwill are always accompanied by ulterior motives, financial exchange, even revenge masked by a smile. And this caution is ratcheted up in terms of spiritual discourse, truly in the West. This caution is created by people who follow Jesus with the purpose of "selling" his tenets through eternal salvation. He is a commodity. Terms including "witness" and "testimony" are included in this way of life. But is revision needed? The more I understand and study this idea, the further I watch it crumble. Students of Jesus live by action, not words. When generosity is extended, recipients notice. And when compensation is not required, they puzzle in question. They begin to ask questions, the curiosity quickly rising. And authentic dialogue occurs, a dialogue which doesn't dwell exclusively on life after death, but the recognition a full and purposeful life exists this day, this moment.

Love is indeed sacrifice, unselfish giving with no clear, measurable, objective, reasonable rate of return. It is possible it will be downplayed or discarded, the subject of criticism. In the Scriptures, writers outline a story concerning Jesus and his interaction in a home. Enjoying dinner, a "sinful" woman comes into the home and pours expensive perfume on his feet. The disciples are alarmed with this display, thinking of the greater good. This is the sentiment: "This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor." Notice the unusual reply of Jesus though: "The poor you will always have with you." The rate of return for this exercise is zero. It is scandalous, but it is a lovely display of humility, healing, love. This idea is demonstrated further in the writings of St. Paul: "For we are to God the aroma of Jesus." It is in this teaching the throwback to sacrifices in ancient Israel, animals bled and consumed on the altar. The smoke rises into the air and forgiveness unfolds, restores, purifies.

I discovered the unique complexities love reveals in the film "Intermission" (2003), directed by John Crowley. Like "Crash" (2004), numerous Irish residents cross paths in unusual ways. One looks for love by way of adult films and a one night stand with a woman whose husband recently left her for a younger woman, a woman being pursued by her previous boyfriend, a boyfriend who works with a fired bus driver and common thief to ransom the new man with the hope of reclaiming the relationship. Needless to say, circumstances go awry. Fortunately, the two main characters discover the love they truly seek, a love not shallow but transparent, not sappy but heartfelt, capable of real pain, real reconciliation. I think this may be a key evidentiary foundation for marriage collapse, an unwillingness to make diligent strides in conflict resolution. If love is commitment, this decision must play a primary role. In turn, the bond is knit tighter and sacrifices made for union preservation are noble. 

I previously noted stories concerning sacrifice are rare to find. But I am discovering they are easier to access. News which induces tears is always evident; the stories of goodness, life change and hope are the gems in the dirt, easily overlooked, but always of note. NPR recently reported on Julio Diaz, a social worker who lives in the Bronx. Each evening, before he heads home, he stops at his favorite diner. But one evening he walked to the subway stairs only to be stopped by a teenager with a knife. The teen asked for the wallet and Diaz generously gave it to him. The teen started walking away and Diaz stated, "Hey, wait a minute. You forgot something. If you're going to be robbing people for the rest of the night, you might as well take my coat to keep you warm." He welcomed the teen to join him for his evening meal and took him to the diner. The teen watched the warm interactions between Diaz and the restaurant personnel, wondering if he owned the place. Julio told him no, only this: "Haven't you been taught you should be nice to everybody?" No doubt bewildered, the teen stated, "Yea, but I didn't think people actually behaved that way." Diaz believes doing good to others will inspire hope in them to act in turn. But notice he uses the word hope, the recognition goodness will not always be returned. But Diaz, like me, dares to dream the impossible becomes the inevitable.

"Marine threw himself onto grenade." BBC News. 3.30.08. 3.31.08 http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/west_midlands/7321647.stm

Garofalo, Michael. "A Victim Treats His Mugger Right." NPR Morning Edition. 3.28.08. 3.31.08 http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89164759

"Spark"

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."
--Eric Fromm

"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species."
--William Maugham

Valentine's Day wrapped up recently, a day roses, chocolates, cards and stuffed animals sell very well. But in recent years, others are marking this day by new meaning, a new anthem, mantra: Singles Awareness Day. The idea seems silly, but is it truly the expression of independence or the mark of the lonely, a mask concealing solitary frustration? I'm inclined to think both emotions are evident. One who is still single, I have a deep disdain for this "holiday", but know it is the simple reminder diligence must mark my search for relationship. My distaste for this holiday is simple too: if people require one day reminding them romance is still necessary, I surmise the bond is slowly breaking. I don't recognize my expertise on relationships for one moment, but know I have learned much in life studying the interactions of others; I examine arguing and conflict resolution, crying and consolation, division and compromise. In fact, I remember lying in my bed 3-4 years ago, adjacent to the window. I sleep well, but noises outside wake my rest. And although I cannot recall the duration between encounters, I can still hear the verbal abuse between neighbors, three marriages, six people, three unique nights. I cracked my window and listened in, spirit sinking, heart racing. I wondered if extreme behavior would follow the exchange...silence soon filled the streets, but I do know one marriage is no longer in tact.

Love is always mysterious, always changing, redefined through society. Psychology has much to say on this subject too. Helen Fisher, an anthropology professor at Rutgers University, divides love into three phases in Anatomy of Love: lust, attraction, attachment. In the lust phase, initial attraction is simple sexual instinct; over time, lust gives way to attraction. Fidelity becomes a cornerstone of the relationship too. And attraction leads to attachment, a bond forged through shared interests. I think of it as a lifetime friendship. When I meditate on long-term relationships, I have come to the conclusion marriage is the best step. But when I study the figures, it is always disconcerting. Current studies place the divorce rate at roughly 52%. So when I consider this reality, fear grips my spirit from time to time. I wonder whether I will go the distance or simply become part of the figures.

In the Scriptures, much is written on the subject of love. One Hebrew word for "love" is ahab and simply means "love"; a Greek word for "love", better known, is agape and means "good will" or "unselfish". I believe the Greek rendition is the mark of good relationships, marriages. I think the person who also grasps the agape state of mind recognizes love will not always be returned. But the person continues to love nonetheless. A good friend is writing a book on marriage, and I wish to paraphrase his understanding of this bond: marriage is not a focus of meeting needs. If it is, one can withhold from the other and resentment can quickly gain footing. Marriage is framed by this clarity: "I don't need you to meet my needs. God provides for me. I want you to want me, not need me."

I suppose a natural question arises: sex is not a need? The only necessary context for sex is the procreation of the species, carrying on the family name. While this is noble, Jesus teaches listening ears on people who are single in terms of sex by way of birth (impotence), castration, ("the hands of men") or simply refusing marriage (and thus sex) by focusing on kingdom revelation. Sex always seems to be downplayed or suppressed in the church, but the Scriptures reveal otherwise. For example, Song of Songs is overlooked, but I'm told it contains the most risque language in the book's text. The phrase "become one flesh" is repeatedly used and St. Paul writes on partners "coming together" for the purpose of avoiding temptation and exercising self-control. He even comments on the difficulties that inevitably arise in the marriage bond, writing, "Those who marry will face many troubles in this life." Indeed.

Michael Leunig states, "Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." Love seems simple, but I don't know if it will ever be fully understood. It's discussed in words, but the feeling cannot always be put into text. Jesus also marks his students by this action: love one another. And I wonder if love can exist without God. Much writing exists in this moment on a belief in the absence of God, but if this is so, where does love originate? With each passing day, this belief love is not mutually exclusive from God is confirmed. And oddly enough, I cannot put the logic for this into words...it is a feeling. But I think God puts it best after the first human wanders the globe: "It is not good for man to be alone." I think the better rendition is "lonely", for a clear distinction exists between "alone" and "lonely"; the former denotes the absence of people and the latter denotes the absence of community, relationship. At times, however, the distinction blurs.

When I ponder marriage, it's simple to think mine will not go the distance. The figures confirm this reality. But I wish to buck the system and take my relationship for life. And this lays in my willingness to go forward day after day, a clarity I have discovered in the words of Sheryl Crow. She recently shared an interview with Reader's Digest on breast cancer, her music and her new son. Engaged three times, Crow has never married. Her sisters are both divorced too. Asked about best advice on relationships, she puts it this way: "When I was engaged the second time, I asked my mom how she and dad made it for so many years (53). She said that every single day, you have to decide you're committed to the person." Maybe this is the mark of the long marriage, the decision to choose one's spouse everyday, whether through word or action. Conflicts will arise, tension will arise, tears will arise, but unselfish, peaceful love moves into chaos and settles the storm. Dean Martin puts it best: "That's amore."

References:

Helen Fisher. Wikipedia. 2.14.08. 3.13.08 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_%28anthropologist%29

Fisher, Helen. Anatomy of Love.
New York: Ballantine Books, 1994.

Davidson, Sara. "Crow's Nest".
Reader's Digest, March 2008: 108.