"Spark"

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."
--Eric Fromm

"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species."
--William Maugham

Valentine's Day wrapped up recently, a day roses, chocolates, cards and stuffed animals sell very well. But in recent years, others are marking this day by new meaning, a new anthem, mantra: Singles Awareness Day. The idea seems silly, but is it truly the expression of independence or the mark of the lonely, a mask concealing solitary frustration? I'm inclined to think both emotions are evident. One who is still single, I have a deep disdain for this "holiday", but know it is the simple reminder diligence must mark my search for relationship. My distaste for this holiday is simple too: if people require one day reminding them romance is still necessary, I surmise the bond is slowly breaking. I don't recognize my expertise on relationships for one moment, but know I have learned much in life studying the interactions of others; I examine arguing and conflict resolution, crying and consolation, division and compromise. In fact, I remember lying in my bed 3-4 years ago, adjacent to the window. I sleep well, but noises outside wake my rest. And although I cannot recall the duration between encounters, I can still hear the verbal abuse between neighbors, three marriages, six people, three unique nights. I cracked my window and listened in, spirit sinking, heart racing. I wondered if extreme behavior would follow the exchange...silence soon filled the streets, but I do know one marriage is no longer in tact.

Love is always mysterious, always changing, redefined through society. Psychology has much to say on this subject too. Helen Fisher, an anthropology professor at Rutgers University, divides love into three phases in Anatomy of Love: lust, attraction, attachment. In the lust phase, initial attraction is simple sexual instinct; over time, lust gives way to attraction. Fidelity becomes a cornerstone of the relationship too. And attraction leads to attachment, a bond forged through shared interests. I think of it as a lifetime friendship. When I meditate on long-term relationships, I have come to the conclusion marriage is the best step. But when I study the figures, it is always disconcerting. Current studies place the divorce rate at roughly 52%. So when I consider this reality, fear grips my spirit from time to time. I wonder whether I will go the distance or simply become part of the figures.

In the Scriptures, much is written on the subject of love. One Hebrew word for "love" is ahab and simply means "love"; a Greek word for "love", better known, is agape and means "good will" or "unselfish". I believe the Greek rendition is the mark of good relationships, marriages. I think the person who also grasps the agape state of mind recognizes love will not always be returned. But the person continues to love nonetheless. A good friend is writing a book on marriage, and I wish to paraphrase his understanding of this bond: marriage is not a focus of meeting needs. If it is, one can withhold from the other and resentment can quickly gain footing. Marriage is framed by this clarity: "I don't need you to meet my needs. God provides for me. I want you to want me, not need me."

I suppose a natural question arises: sex is not a need? The only necessary context for sex is the procreation of the species, carrying on the family name. While this is noble, Jesus teaches listening ears on people who are single in terms of sex by way of birth (impotence), castration, ("the hands of men") or simply refusing marriage (and thus sex) by focusing on kingdom revelation. Sex always seems to be downplayed or suppressed in the church, but the Scriptures reveal otherwise. For example, Song of Songs is overlooked, but I'm told it contains the most risque language in the book's text. The phrase "become one flesh" is repeatedly used and St. Paul writes on partners "coming together" for the purpose of avoiding temptation and exercising self-control. He even comments on the difficulties that inevitably arise in the marriage bond, writing, "Those who marry will face many troubles in this life." Indeed.

Michael Leunig states, "Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." Love seems simple, but I don't know if it will ever be fully understood. It's discussed in words, but the feeling cannot always be put into text. Jesus also marks his students by this action: love one another. And I wonder if love can exist without God. Much writing exists in this moment on a belief in the absence of God, but if this is so, where does love originate? With each passing day, this belief love is not mutually exclusive from God is confirmed. And oddly enough, I cannot put the logic for this into words...it is a feeling. But I think God puts it best after the first human wanders the globe: "It is not good for man to be alone." I think the better rendition is "lonely", for a clear distinction exists between "alone" and "lonely"; the former denotes the absence of people and the latter denotes the absence of community, relationship. At times, however, the distinction blurs.

When I ponder marriage, it's simple to think mine will not go the distance. The figures confirm this reality. But I wish to buck the system and take my relationship for life. And this lays in my willingness to go forward day after day, a clarity I have discovered in the words of Sheryl Crow. She recently shared an interview with Reader's Digest on breast cancer, her music and her new son. Engaged three times, Crow has never married. Her sisters are both divorced too. Asked about best advice on relationships, she puts it this way: "When I was engaged the second time, I asked my mom how she and dad made it for so many years (53). She said that every single day, you have to decide you're committed to the person." Maybe this is the mark of the long marriage, the decision to choose one's spouse everyday, whether through word or action. Conflicts will arise, tension will arise, tears will arise, but unselfish, peaceful love moves into chaos and settles the storm. Dean Martin puts it best: "That's amore."

References:

Helen Fisher. Wikipedia. 2.14.08. 3.13.08 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_%28anthropologist%29

Fisher, Helen. Anatomy of Love.
New York: Ballantine Books, 1994.

Davidson, Sara. "Crow's Nest".
Reader's Digest, March 2008: 108.